Hackney, Independent Hipster Republic: New Left Strategy.
Innovative Hipster Green Transport.
Faced with the meltdown of British politics the left needs new thinking.
As a service to the movement Tendance Coatesy presents extracts from this (leaked) document, which will be discussed as policy by the Left Unity Party and the Labour Representation Committee (LRC) at their forthcoming conferences.
“The success of comrade Alex Salmond in Scotland and the rise of UKIP shows the need for radical changes in left policies.
Drawing on the best social democratic traditions of the SNP, Beppe Grillo (MoVimento Cinque Stelle), and Lyndon LaRouche Left Unity and the LRC must take steps to change, fo’ shizzel.”
“Our programme begins with the Hipster base of the new vanguard of leftward moving masses.”
“Hackney is Amazeballs, totes!”
But what do we have?
Shit, dude, my bad’“
The Independent ‘ipster Republic of Hackney – confederated with the Scottish Radical Independence Campaign – aims to change this.
Our borough is a fest burg – free from the control of the Westminster Monarchy and her Labour, Tory and Liberal political elite.
Our policies include:
- Promoting reuse: recycled hamsters, lucozade and taurine drinks in gourds.
- Niche products: bladderwrack steak and absinthe flavoured chips.
- A new University of Gerry Healy Studies – with no student fees!
- Free crystal therapy care.
- Promoting Hipster Hygiene in a new public baths. Though hipsters participate in the no shampoo and no soap movement, most keep clean with olive oil scrapers.
- Cuneiform – the original writing form destroyed by Orientalists – to be taught in all schools.
- Promoting ‘ipster enterprise:
How we will we pay for this?
Taking a leaf out of the SNP’s book we plan to offer an attractive package to socially aware and smartly ironic City enterprises to relocate in Hackney with a 20% reduction in all taxes.
Negotiations are underway with Donald Trump to build hipster golf courses on Hackney marshes.
We plan to stand and support no candidates in any elections.
But we will issue the following mordant campaign song,
“Wiv a ladder and some glasses, you can see to ‘ackney marshes, if it wasn’t for the ‘ipsters in-between!”